The 24th September saw Harrison and Alexander turn 9. It's a day of mixed feelings we have so much to be Thankful for but it's day in which I constantly relive the moments that they were born and the reminder that now there is only one to open presents and blow out birthday candles.
I can't put into words how heart breaking it is to be choosing presents for one twin whilst choosing flowers for the other, always wondering if things had been different what he would like for his birthday. It's the part I hate most about that day, picking the 'right' flowers that would be wrong anyway as no 9 year old boy wants flowers for their birthday.
My time spent at Alexander's grave is less and less, I have never just gone to be close to him, I have never gone every day, every week and sat for hours there. I can't, I find little comfort in knowing that my beautiful boy lies there without me and as much as I feel guilty for not being that mother I would rather show my love for him in other ways.
Fundraising does that for me, the challenge of keeping him alive in my heart is made easier by remembering him through the stories I tell and raising as much money as I can in the hope that eventually, his needless death wasn't just ''one of those things''.
Then on Saturday our last 5th birthday was had!
Our Rainbow is growing up and has more than lived up to his title. I think the decision to have Joseph was unbelievably hard for us, the fear was overwhelming and still is really. I looked at this pregnancy and birth with new eyes, with an unusually pessimistic view knowing that things did go wrong and no matter what you do it can and does happen.
I am a different parent this time much more anxious, I sleep less, even now 5 years on I can wake with a panic I can't describe, my heart racing, the blood rushing through my ears and a knot in my stomach so big I fear it might consume me. The only cure for this is to check they are all ok, often that falls to Ian as selfishly I cannot bring myself to do it, just in case!
But all that said he is a fabulous addition to our family, lively and cheeky with a very strong sense of who he is and I'm glad we took the leap to have him. He is in no way a replacement for Alexander, he is his own person and has his own position in our family just like we all do.
Happy Birthday Harrison, Alexander and Joseph xxx