... are all I have left and I'm scared that I'm forgetting.
That I can't remember what it felt like to hold him, I don't remember his laugh or the cheeky looks he gave me. Do I only remember what I have captured in my photographs?
As everyone is gearing up to our main event these weeks for me are the hardest to bear. 7 years ago he would have been alive and I would've been spending the last weeks with my boy, if I'd known I would have take a thousand pictures and I would never have left his side.
I can't tell you what we did in those weeks, if I kissed him enough, if I made him laugh, if he knew I loved him. I wish with all my heart I could go back to those weeks and make them unforgettable.
These are the weeks 7 years on that I can feel the lump in my throat, the prick of tears and the ache in my heart are more of a constant than usual. The slightest thing can make them spill over and it hurts so much it's like those early days over again. The days when I thought I'd never smile or laugh again, the days that are as much a blur as the weeks before them but not because they were ordinary but quite the opposite.
It's easy to slip into that dark place, to hide from the world but I have my light, my reasons to go on. I have my boys and the memories we are all making together. In reality we are just a 'normal' family, like any other we pass like ships in the night going to one thing or another but for me that is confirmation that the horror we've endured hasn't affected our ability to function and to live life as we should.
Occasionally I will catch one of the boys, more often Harrison and I will get a stark reminder of all that is missing of everything that has been stolen from us and I wonder how differently we would all be if this hadn't happened to us.
I often get told how amazing we are or how strong but we are neither, to me we made a choice to carry on to live, to keep Alexander's memory alive and to continue making new ones for the boys.
The legacy we are creating reflects this I hope. None of us will forget the bright, lively, cheeky little boy that was with us for only a short while and what better way to remember than having a great night, raising awareness and raising money for the charity that can help.
Happy New Year !!!
So we are just over 5 weeks away and there is still so much to do.
Today's post is a dedicated Thank You to everyone who is helping me get Alexander's Charity Ball 2014 moving.
I've said it before but planning an event such as this is a mammoth task and involves lots of emails, telephone calls, meetings, tweets and Thank You's as well as bank account checking, cheque writing and spreadsheet amending.
This doesn't take into account all the work that everyone else puts in on my behalf and it's to those I'd like to say Thank You too first.
Tia at Who Ate My Crayons who is donating her time free of charge and who has designed our beautiful posters this year but who is also designing our brochures and e-tickets.
Claire, Amy, Peter and Jess who are family but they have done a sterling job on getting us some amazing raffle prizes. Claire and Amy are now working hard to sell raffle tickets as well.
Many Many Thanks to all those businesses who have donated a prize to our raffle and auction, I know many of you get asked on a daily basis for lots of great causes so Thank You for choosing us as being worthy.
Mark Bayley who is my silent hero and an Excel Whizz! He designed a workable spreadsheet for me to use that is all singing and dancing and despite my almost daily emails for amendments and additions still wants to help. It has made things so much easier for me to work everything out and see what is where is fabulous Thank You Mark x
Sam at Glamourpuss Weddings who has been with us right from the start who does a fabulous job of decorating our room it always looks stunning and I can't wait to see what is in store this year. Many Thanks to those of you who have offered your time to help set up on the day of the ball as well, setting up for over 500 people would'v been a massive task for Sam and her team so you will help to take the strain.
Kieron at Giant Event Management who is coming on board officially for the first time this year. Kieron has often given me ideas and advice on a few things for the ball and I was a little daunted at this years numbers but Mr Cool, Calm and Collected is helping me greatly with his contacts and ideas and I know I couldn't have got to where I am this year without him.
Thank You to Dave Molloy at Events Line for offering his time, ideas and entertainment. Dave contacted me through Twitter and has a wealth of experience at these kind of events and has offered what he can free of charge.
Then I come to the sponsors who in austere times have all without fail agreed to donate money to help us pay for our entertainment and lighting etc. This ensures that more of the money you donate actually goes to The Lullaby Trust.
Thank You to our biggest and most generous sponsor Stephen Crowther Associates, our venue hosts and sponsors RAI at New Dock Hall, Leeds. The Award Winning Coda Studios who have been there from the start as sponsors and who support us year on year, IT@Spectrum who instead of sending Christmas Cards in 2013 decided to donate that cash instead to us, Bapp Bolts a local company who agreed without hesitation to sponsor courtesy of Kieron and finally Lancasters Property Services another local company who helps as much as they can and who attend every year.
Finally I'd like to Thank our entertainment for the evening
Yesterday I had some amazing news fro Ian Royce who has agreed to be our host for the night. For those of you who don't know, Ian is the UK's leading Warm Up Artist who is the first choice for Gary Barlow, Robbie Williams, Amanda Holden and many others !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ian is TV's Mr Warm Up doing XFactor, Britain's Got Talent, Loose Women Children in Need Rocks and most recently hosted the 1D Golden Ticket day in New York. Ian is also supporting Gary Barlow on his tour this year.
I cannot tell you how much it means to have Ian on board using his skills as a host at many celebrity charity balls I know he'll make 2014 a memorable night for you all http://www.ianroyce.com/
Vibetown will be our band for the night, having followed their Facebook and Twitter this year I'm excited about what they have to offer, they sound amazing and I know they are guaranteed to get you on that dancefloor in seconds!
The Vegas Show Girls will be back in 2014 they did such a great job in 2012 only this time there will be a few more of them (and hopefully some gentlemen for us ladies).
Mark Waddington joins us again this year performing his magic and illusion, I had a chuckle to myself last year with all the uproar he caused I knew exactly where he was in the room by the reaction to his tricks and this year he is working the room with a colleague so he can get around you all.
Our photographer is Peter Goldstraw at Capture again for this year, 2013 wasn't the kindest of years for Peter who lost his Step Dad in September. He took some fabulous pictures for 2013's ball and I know he will do the same for 2014.
I'm sure as the next few weeks fly by there will be more people to Thank and add but my last word is for all of you who have bought tickets to attend and whether it's your first time or fourth you make this night the success it's become so Thank You, your support means the world to me (even if I have to chase you for cash every now and then).
Welcome to our blog I will try as regularly as I can to keep you up to date with The Ball, The Charity and any other news !