That I can't remember what it felt like to hold him, I don't remember his laugh or the cheeky looks he gave me. Do I only remember what I have captured in my photographs?
As everyone is gearing up to our main event these weeks for me are the hardest to bear. 7 years ago he would have been alive and I would've been spending the last weeks with my boy, if I'd known I would have take a thousand pictures and I would never have left his side.
I can't tell you what we did in those weeks, if I kissed him enough, if I made him laugh, if he knew I loved him. I wish with all my heart I could go back to those weeks and make them unforgettable.
These are the weeks 7 years on that I can feel the lump in my throat, the prick of tears and the ache in my heart are more of a constant than usual. The slightest thing can make them spill over and it hurts so much it's like those early days over again. The days when I thought I'd never smile or laugh again, the days that are as much a blur as the weeks before them but not because they were ordinary but quite the opposite.
It's easy to slip into that dark place, to hide from the world but I have my light, my reasons to go on. I have my boys and the memories we are all making together. In reality we are just a 'normal' family, like any other we pass like ships in the night going to one thing or another but for me that is confirmation that the horror we've endured hasn't affected our ability to function and to live life as we should.
Occasionally I will catch one of the boys, more often Harrison and I will get a stark reminder of all that is missing of everything that has been stolen from us and I wonder how differently we would all be if this hadn't happened to us.
I often get told how amazing we are or how strong but we are neither, to me we made a choice to carry on to live, to keep Alexander's memory alive and to continue making new ones for the boys.
The legacy we are creating reflects this I hope. None of us will forget the bright, lively, cheeky little boy that was with us for only a short while and what better way to remember than having a great night, raising awareness and raising money for the charity that can help.