...doesn't mean I'm not hurting.
I'm not a wallower, I rarely talk about how I'm feeling and I never show how truly lost and hurt I am.
I think I've had this tough get up and get on attitude and I think it allows people to forget that I have feelings and that I have a broken heart.
The boys are my focus they keep me on track day to day but I have bad days but I don't tell all, when I'm alone I cry and weep but I can't spend all my time like that so I have my time and I carry on.
Just because I'm not a mess everyday doesn't mean my heart is not aching and that staying in bed is not more preferable than getting up and facing the world. I have days when I feel endlessly sorry for myself but it rarely lasts, I force myself to count the time I had with Alexander as a blessing and the four remaining boys are the lights of my life.
I focus my energy into my fundraising, it's exhausting being upset all the time, it's been a rough month for me and it's taken it out of me and that is no good for my husband or my boys. Who wants a misery guts as a permanent member of their family!
I do my crying alone or late at night when the house is quiet, not every day but there is always a reminder in our home of the son we lost I can never ever forget him but I do him no good by being sad all the time.
My instinct is to shrug things off and act like I'm OK and most of the time I am but sometimes I'm not. I never thought I'd ever be 'normal' again. It felt wrong to laugh and carry on but I have no choice, I cannot change what has happened although I would gladly trade my soul to the devil if it meant I could have him back
My Mom Is A Survivor
My Mom is a survivor, or so I've heard it said.
But I hear her crying at night when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach that never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mom, who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others...a smile of disguise.
But through Heaven's door I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My mom tries to cope with death to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows it is her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving mom...through Heaven's open door.
I try to tell her that angels protect me forever more.
But I know that doesn't help her or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her...And show her that you care.
For no matter what she says...no matter what she feels.
My surviving mom has a broken heart that time won't ever heal~!
This poem was written by Kaye Des'Ormeaux
and dedicated to: Clarissa.
Videos like this have such mixed emotions for me but I'm forever thankful of this digital age, without it I wouldn't have my beautiful boys captured forever at a time when we were at our most happiest. I hope you enjoy it as much as me (please excuse a) the mess b) my voice and c) a little background noise) Please enjoy the giggles and fun at how pleased they both were to be bouncing around. Harrison is the first you'll see and the Alexander the second. I have so much video of them doing lots of cheeky things, I think I really need to upload the to a video hosting site so I can watch them whenever I like.
Can you help?
There are many many things involved in organising a Charity Ball, it's no mean feat let me tell you and the pressure is on to make each night as good and even better than the last.
Our popularity has grown and grown and from 200 people attending in 2011 we are expecting over 400 for 2014.
The word is spreading so attendance is increasing and I am overjoyed that so many want to join us in remembering our son but in order to make it the success I want it to be I need a few things.
If you provide us with a service, sponsorship or prize donation then you will have a captive audience of over 400 on the night plus the views on our website are hitting between 200 and 600 views per day...Can you afford not to be a part of it?
Below is a bit of a wishlist and if you feel you can help then please do get in touch at email@example.com or via our facebook page https://www.facebook.com/AlexandersCharityBall
1) Goody Bags - I'd love every guest to leave Alexander's Ball with a little memento of the night. For this I'd need someone to supply the bags and vouchers and samples to go in them. Can you help?
2) Can you do a promotional video for Alexander's Charity Ball maybe to include a word from our sponsors as well as snippets from me and maybe The Lullaby Trust and then film our night so people can see exactly what they get for their money. I'm sure our guests will be happy to rave about us on film on the night!
3) Raffle and Auction prizes - This is increasingly the hardest request, there are so many great people doing great things for great charities that I fear the pot is very increasingly empty. Please consider a donation of a prize to us it doesn't have to be an extravagant prize, the raffle alone can raise about £4000 for us which is a superb amount to lose if I don't do it.
4) Despite lots of asking we still don't have anyone to design our posters and brochures, if this is something you are able to do for us we'd very much appreciate it. I am hoping this is an ongoing relationship with ACB so if you are willing to help please do get in touch
Please please share the website, blog and facebook page to everyone you can, if you are a blogger please consider us for a post. Alexander's Charity Ball is not just about raising money it's about awareness, Sudden Infant Deaths are still happening and the number of babies dying every year needs to reduce but that can only happen with your help.
Thank You to everyone who has helped so far
The presents are unwrapped, pennies are counted and the cards are on the mantelpiece...
Now everyone has left for school and work and I'm preparing to say Happy Birthday by taking flowers that were never wanted and balloons that will never be touched.
This is the part I dread, the part I wish with all my heart I could change...
We were so happy and excited this time 8 years ago I mean twins is pretty special, not quite so rare nowadays but still they are a miracle.
I don't want to visit my son's grave on his birthday I want to hold him and spoil him with presents. It's the part I hate and it brings me no comfort to know he's there. It's a beautiful churchyard surrounded by fields and quiet and occasionally a few cows but it's a place no baby should be especially my baby.
Thank You all for your kind words and wishes if you have the time today then please light a candle for the boy who can't blow out his own
Happy 8th Birthday Alexander We love and miss you so very very much
Love Mummy, Daddy, Tom, Jack, Harrison and Joseph
So it's fast approaching...The boys 8th birthday a day that we should be celebrating but instead is tinged with sadness that those two gorgeous boys we so happily welcomed into the world are no longer a pair.
So for the last 6 years I've debated what to get my son. I want so desperately to buy him games, a bike, anything. I hate buying a posy of flowers for a boy of 8! Imagine if I bought Harrison the same he'd look at me very strange.
This year I'll be doing something a little different to mark Alexander's 8th birthday
For a long time I've looked at charity wristbands as a way to raise awareness and of course money but I'm fussy and I wanted things just so and what I wanted wasn't cheap to create. This year however I found a perfect supplier who could do exactly what I wanted and at a price that was perfect.
Introducing our Alexander's Charity Ball Wristbands ...
The bands are £2 each or £2.60 posted please contact me on Facebook or the Contact button here on the site and I shall let you know how to pay. Bank Transfer will be the best way as although we have PayPal they do charge a fee if you would like a few to sell on our behalf then I shall happily post you a few!
So a Very Happy 8th Birthday Alexander Robert Richardson 24th September 2005 - 9th February 2007
So very loved and never ever forgotten.
Each night we shed a silent tear,
As we speak to you in prayer.
To let you know we love you,
And just how much we care.
Take our million teardrops,
Wrap them up in love,
Then ask the wind to carry them,
To you in heaven above.
Many thanks to Paul Miller at BlackOrangeUK http://about.me/blackorange for the bands
My apologies everyone for the delay in this information as the event is not being held at a hotel I've had to do a bit of leg work to sort the details. I hope this is all straightforward but if you encounter any problems please do get in touch.
There is a choice of 2 hotels :
Holiday Inn Express, City Centre Armouries, Armouries Drive, Clarence Dock, LS10 1LE
Fri 14th February £45BB
Sat 15th February £70BB
The rate includes a complimentary breakfast (consisting of a continental selection and 3 hot items) and the rate is valid for either 1 or 2 persons in the room.
To Book : I am still awaiting the information from the Holiday Inn I'm afraid but if you want to book please go online the price is £71.10 so we aren't getting a massive deal from them I'm sorry but I am still waiting for a response so I shall leave the decision and booking to you.
Jurys Inn Leeds, Brewery Place, Brewery Wharf, LS10 1NE
Saturday 15th February £72BB Double/Twin
Advance purchase on the Jurys Site is £64 but this does not include breakfast (Just thought I'd let you know)
Please call Central Reservations on 0845 300 0165 quoting ALEX15021B
If you are staying at Jurys Inn or anywhere else in Leeds then I shall be contacting local Taxi firms to come at the end of the night to ferry you back.
Please feel free to book wherever you feel best suits you we aren't getting any kickbacks from these hotels for booking with them these just happen to be the closest and the ones that replied! Who would have thought in these austere times it would be so hard to get companies interested in a captive audience.
Thank You everyone for your patience with this matter
Harrison and Alexander's First Birthday 2006
So that's it everyone is back at school !
Tom has started his A levels after getting fantastic GCSE results, Jack has started his GCSE's, Harrison is now in Year 3 and Joseph has received his starting school application for next year!
Everyone is moving forward and September is a hard month for me.
It's a reminder that there is one member of our family not moving on, not changing and not growing with us. I am angry and upset that the Twin boys I gave birth to in September 2005 cannot celebrate their 8th birthday together.
We were cheated and short changed that our boys only ever had one birthday together and we still have no answers. I live in perpetual fear that there may have been something I missed and that today would be so different in a parallel universe.
My heart is heavy in September we are shopping for presents and organising trips for one and it should be 2, I want to cry when I think about my missing boy, the hugs and kisses I can no longer give him, what I wouldn't give just for kisses and cuddles with my cheeky monkey.
I'm picking out flower posies and garden ornaments suitable for my son's grave when what I really want to do is buy the latest Game, Power Ranger, Moshi Monster or whatever. I don't even know what he would like now. He loved trucks and cars just like his little brother but by now would he bit a bit of a gadget man like Harrison? I'll never ever know ...
My biggest fear is forgetting
His Smile, His Smell ...Him
All I have is my memories the ones that make me chuckle and the ones that don't. I hate to be bogged down by the negative and I don't want to overshadow my boys by being sad on the days that they are at their happiest. I hope I've achieved that for them and that birthdays and celebrations and of course Christmas is as magical and wonderful for them as it should be.
I take my moment of reflection when the house is quiet and everyone has had their time, he's still my boy he still requires my time. He doesn't tell me about his day or his achievements but I can reflect on everything he's given me in 8 years. I am a different person and I have ups and downs, no one would know to look at me that I carry this enormous hole in my heart but I love my children fiercely and my family always comes first.
I thought that day in February 2007 that I was broken and would never be fixed, that my heart would always feel like someone had ripped it from my chest and that I would never smile again but I was wrong! My children and my husband have fixed me, my heart aches every day but the pain is bearable and I do smile.
Time is not a healer but my family is...
Welcome to our blog I will try as regularly as I can to keep you up to date with The Ball, The Charity and any other news !