So whilst in the shower I got to thinking, it's actually where I think and reflect the most. Probably because it's the quietest room in the house and the time I get a little bit of me time!
This isn't an easy post but for me I wanted to write a personal post about the things that come to me when I least expect them, sometimes I can appear detached from the issues when the fundraiser in me takes over but these are things I remember from that day the things that are imprinted on my memory.
I Remember ...
the day it happened, the worst actual day of my whole 34 years. The shower I took before 'waking' my son, the moment I touched that bedroom door handle and knew with absolute certainty that something was drastically wrong.
ringing Ian who was on his way to work, lying to him just so he would be careful driving home.
ringing our parents and my Mum strangely asking if I'd phoned an ambulance.
his foot peeking out from a blanket as the paramedics carried him to the ambulance.
the car journey to the hospital, the hope that Ian had that things would be ok and knowing deep down there was no hope.
the look on the faces of the 3 men that had tried to save my baby.
the sound of my husbands hope disappearing in the instant we saw that little person laying lifeless on a massive hospital bed.
asking for a Catholic priest (I haven't set foot in a Catholic Church in a long time) and thinking when he arrived that his shoes were terrible and had no laces in them!
the sight of a Dad from my boys school (who is a Vicar) walking towards us and feeling able to let go, he and his family are now a very dear set of friends for us.
ringing Shelley (a Twin Mum, a member of a fabulous message board for parents of twins and someone with whom I'd met only a handful of times) I cannot remember exactly what I said or how long I was on the phone but it was important to me at that time to let the 'friends' I'd made over 2 years know.
all those sad faces arriving at our door with no idea what to expect or what to say.
the weather, it snowed !
the police. I can't tell you what they looked like, who they were (I know they were locals) or what they said but I know they were there not in an intruding way they were just there.
my Dad taking Tom and Jack on endless bracing walks and building snowmen in the garden.
the endless cups of tea, it wore my kettle out !
the emptiness, the heartache, the fear.
watching Harrison our surviving twin searching in their hiding spots looking for the other half of him.
Most things are a blur or feel a little like I dreamed them but 5 and half years later these are the things that pop into my head when I least expect them too. I know I will never ever forget the events of that day and I'm sorry if this post is a little difficult for you to read but I needed to share it, for me but to also try and make people understand a little more.
Thanks for reading
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