September is the start of Birthday Season

Harrison and Alexander's First Birthday 2006

So that's it everyone is back at school !

Tom has started his A levels after getting fantastic GCSE results, Jack has started his GCSE's, Harrison is now in Year 3 and Joseph has received his starting school application for next year! 

Everyone is moving forward and September is a hard month for me.

It's a reminder that there is one member of our family not moving on, not changing and not growing with us.  I am angry and upset that the Twin boys I gave birth to in September 2005 cannot celebrate their 8th birthday together.  

We were cheated and short changed that our boys only ever had one birthday together and we still have no answers.  I live in perpetual fear that there may have been something I missed and that today would be so different in a parallel universe.  

My heart is heavy in September we are shopping for presents and organising trips for one and it should be 2,  I want to cry when I think about my missing boy, the hugs and kisses I can no longer give him,  what I wouldn't give just for kisses and cuddles with my cheeky monkey.    

I'm picking out flower posies and garden ornaments suitable for my son's grave when what I really want to do is buy the latest Game, Power Ranger, Moshi Monster or whatever.  I don't even know what he would like now.  He loved trucks and cars just like his little brother but by now would he bit a bit of a gadget man like Harrison?  I'll never ever know ...

My biggest fear is forgetting

His Smile, His Smell ...Him 

All I have is my memories the ones that make me chuckle and the ones that don't.  I hate to be bogged down by the negative and I don't want to overshadow my boys by being sad on the days that they are at their happiest.  I hope I've achieved that for them and that birthdays and celebrations and of course Christmas is as magical and wonderful for them as it should be.

I take my moment of reflection when the house is quiet and everyone has had their time, he's still my boy he still requires my time.  He doesn't tell me about his day or his achievements but I can reflect on everything he's given me in 8 years.  I am a different person and I have ups and downs, no one would know to look at me that I carry this enormous hole in my heart but I love my children fiercely and my family always comes first.

I thought that day in February 2007 that I was broken and would never be fixed, that my heart would always feel like someone had ripped it from my chest and that I would never smile again but I was wrong!  My children and my husband have fixed me, my heart aches every day but the pain is bearable and I do smile.  

Time is not a healer but my family is...

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