Wake me up when September ends...

That's it Summer is done, the nights are darker, the days cooler and the kids are back at school.

I know it's a while since I've visited the blog but this month see's a few big changes for us and it's easier for me to get them down 'on paper' than it is to say them out loud and risk the waterworks !!!

Our first change is that Harrison has moved up to 'Big' school and with that comes the ghost of the boy who will never walk at his side.  I read a piece in the Huffington Post this week (written this time last year)  that summed up how I felt perfectly.  This last decade has gone so quickly and we've seen so much change but it is these milestones that seem to hit the hardest, that the boys are growing up and changing so much and leaving our little star so very far behind.   In a couple of weeks Harrison will turn 12 and I'm finding the hardest part of this is letting him have the independence he craves and deserves as a 12 year old.  

As a general rule I don't suffer with anxiety but I try to control what I can to prevent this feeling of being out of control.  A recent example is our annual trip to a theme park with my fabulous friends which is always a brilliant day out. I've always loved theme parks and rides but have noticed as the kids have got older and more adventurous the more it leaves me feeling panicked about what I know can go wrong.  I try not to let the kids see how it makes me feel and the rational pat of me knows it's unlikely to happen, but there is that part of me that knows bad stuff can and does happen and we've been one of those statistics before.  

We are due to become a house of 4 this month after being a 6 then a 5 for so long.  Jack is busy prepping and planning his trip to Uni meaning that both my big boys will be out there in the big world (fully ready I may add) without me.  The dynamics of who we are as a family is changing so much quicker than I think I'm ready for.  I'm immensely proud of Tom and Jack and the work they've done to get to where they are now and I know good things are waiting for them but knowing they need me less and less is very hard to get used too.  

So here I am battling through but if you think I appear quieter than normal it's because I'm processing my feelings and holding back a massive lump in my throat